echoes from the valley, pt 3

[[third part in an extended after-action-race-report from echo valley]]

so a new start line,
from a rough finish line.
back to the basics.
repairing the structure, starting at the studs.

a good thing with an outdated operating system becomes a glitchy, frustrating, malfunctioning thing.

i got into ultra trail mountain efforts as a creative expression, embracing the limits of my body and my mind, and a humble portal into the spiritual “thin spaces” that uncover life, freedom, clarity, refreshing, and delight, like no other. however, reading an account of my most recent echo valley day, and i’d say i’ve come far from that original posture.

"you were running superbly! who cut in on you, deflecting you from the true course of obedience? this detour doesn’t come from the one who called you into the race in the first place…"

a little yeast leavened the whole dough.

a little competitive streak,
a little thirst for more,
a little pat on the back,
a little validation...
how easily my mindset and heart posture can slip away from me. scary actually.

"it is absolutely clear that god has called you to a free life. just make sure that you don’t use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom"

what i behold i become.
and i had swiftly swapped out objects of my beholding like an indiana jones bag of sand.

the same thing - mountain adventures - no longer felt like the freedom, life giving, god-glorifying spaces anymore. it was more glitchy, anxiety inducing, fear spiraling, and fragile - because it depended on me, my ego, my efforts - a shakey operating system at best. it wasn’t animated or motivated by the spirit anymore.

"it is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garage, frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness, trinket gods, paranoid loneliness, cutthroat competition, all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants, small-minded and lobsided pursuits, the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival, uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions…i could go on…but what happens if we lives god’s way? free, animated and motivated by the spirit…"

gut check confirmed.

a solid foundation is a settled one.

update.
recalibrate.
reconsecrate.

what if the thin space is still an option here?
the space where i’m vulnerably bare and spiritually open...
still available, just less easy.

sometimes the thin space means I feel the sculpting and sanding tools a little more sharply. and yet it’s evidence of shaping.

shining a light in dark places is messy before it’s warm, cold before it’s comfortable, bound before it’s free. but isn’t that the pain cave i ventured to explore with ultras? and with each visit, i pull up a new chair, a new lamp, some fresh kindness, and it gets less scary. what if it’s the darkest places that god most wants to be invited? that’s where he has the most work to do...and wants to.

and i can trust him. to know him and his resume is to trust his reputation and his handiwork. i can settle in the confidence that i don’t hold the world together and he does. my worth is set, my value is set, so the fruit will be good - his roots can be trusted.

peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, joy, love, self-control. all pieces of an inventory list that would have my head and heart at the echo valley start line failing inspection. so began the foundation restoration project again.

"the person who lives in right relationship with god does it by embracing what god arranges for him. doing things for god is the opposite of entering into what god does for you."

participation is not a consolation, it’s a privilege and a gift.

so what does one do after limping over a finish line they never should have showed up for? rest of course. which is perhaps where it all should have started. eden taught us this. rest before work. work out of rest, out of completeness - not for it.

“rest easy” they say. “it will be fun” they say. yeah not easy. not fun. because perhaps I didn’t think I deserved it. because i had a broken operating system that kept humming in the background. which meant my definition of rest was broken. and my foundational identity needed reseating.

i was designed to enjoy, delight, commune, and participate. god didn’t say, “enjoy, and also, don’t forget to figure out how to walk this garden loop faster and faster while growing bigger and bigger fruit - do this whole garden thing better would ya….”
that’s misinterpreting the human-garden project.

in this game, participation is actually the ultimate - it’s the privilege and the gift. not winning, striving, earning, deserving. i can think fondly of the first ill-advised trail race i ever signed up for - and in its purest form, i was just happy to be in the mountains for a long day, participating.

present. patient. participate.
one of my original trail mantras that i would cycle through on those long tough mountain miles - rings ever true and more potent after losing touch with it.

back to the basics.
back to the garden.
here’s to beginning again.

"make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. don’t be impressed with yourself. don’t compare yourself with others. each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life..."

[[scripture quotations used here are from galatians 3-6 in the MSG version of the bible - a full reading of those chapters highly recommended...]]